How To Score in Church
Maxim declares, “The pews are packed with heavenly bodies. God bless you. “
1. Find Your Faith
Macking in a holy place is easier than almost anywhere else—the good girls never see it coming. Plus, “every girl wants to tell her father she met her boyfriend at church and not at a bar,� says God-fearing cutie Erin Howard, 25. Look for progressive sanctuaries that offer “contemporary� services (to attract a younger, hipper crowd) and coffee hours (so you can actually talk, as opposed to just ogling from afar).
2. Enter the Kingdom
Scope out the finest churchgoer, then snag the pew in front of her. You won’t appear too eager, yet you can make eye contact easily—and shake her hand if there’s a “sharing of the peace.� Avoid making moves mid-service. “You’re in a place of bloody worship; you have to be respectful,� notes Tracey Cox, author of Superdate. Instead, listen to the sermon, which’ll give you plenty to talk about later.
3. Get Religion
Despite the communion wine, forget your sloppy bar tactics. After the service, just introduce yourself and act genuinely curious about the church. Say, “I’m new here. Are you a regular?� This’ll transition to the coffee hour, where you can quiz her about the service and how she ended up there. If all else fails, say something about looking for a higher meaning in life. She may make it her goal to “convert� you.
4. Reach the Promised Land
At this point patience is key. “A lot of repressed religious girls are damn hot in bed,� notes Cox. “But you’re not getting a quick shag here.� Provided she’s sending positive signals (e.g., laughing, smiling, not making the sign of the cross), simply tell her you’d love to meet up, outside of church, and ask for her digits. And no matter where it goes from there, try to think like the Browns do: There’s always next Sunday!
Their snide swipe at Cleveland aside, this article confirms something that many young people in the religious world have long known (Heck, Luke Ford has pretty much made a career off of it).
Get Religion’s Dave Pulliam is so upset about the article that he’s in denial. Meanwhile, Adam at Boar’s Head Tavern remarks “I only post this, because mine is the kind of church this would (and has, unfortunately) happen in.”
October 25th, 2005 at 6:31 pm
Isn’t this half of why people daven at OZ?
October 26th, 2005 at 9:24 am
I don’t know that this method would work on me. I generally don’t date non-Christians or spiritually immature beginners. Any man I’d consider dating must be deeply committed to his faith and actively involved in a church. If there are a lot of women out there like me, perhaps these tips aren’t quite so useful as they may seem.
On the other hand, I think church is a perfectly legitimate place to meet men. Where else would I meet them–at a bar? Of course, I shouldn’t be thinking about aman during the sermon or prayer and worship time, but it seems to me that as long as the search to meet new people doesn’t distract me from those times which should belong to God, I have no problem with it.
November 7th, 2005 at 4:16 pm
How could you say that I was upset when I clearly said I found the article funny?
November 7th, 2005 at 4:34 pm
Daniel - In a context such as this, where everything is somewhat jokey, it’s not worth reading all that much into an emotional term like “upset.”
But in this case, the term would seem to be fairly accurate, as you say “reading this article can be quite a downer on first thought” and then, after being presumably down (i.e. “upset”), you deny its basic elements based on “deeper thoughts.”
As to your asserting that the article is funny is not mutually exclusive with the assertion that you were upse (at least, it cannot be so long as you maintain both emotions within your post).
But that’s just my Jewy textual analysis. Feel free to show me how I’m wrong.